


Blue Moon

by MrsnMrsAird



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, F/F, valentine's day fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 04:36:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9702227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsnMrsAird/pseuds/MrsnMrsAird
Summary: Carol and Therese and their relationship with music and Billie Holiday.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! I had a prompt in my tumblr inbox about Carol and Therese attending a Billie Holiday concert, well that got out of hand and now you have this. Hope you guys like it! And Happy Valentine's Day!

_1952_

_I Only Have Eyes For You_

 

Her opinion on music was a very fickle thing until recently. Therese had learnt the piano when she was quite young, 4 or 5, she couldn’t not be sure of the exact age but she remembered the image of her little fingers poking at the keys whenever they had the chance. Fascinated by her mother’s job, she thought she might want to follow in her footsteps, so she practised reading music; the piano wasn’t always available for her to practice on so she burrowed into sheet music. Her father would always joke that Therese knew etudes better than the alphabet. When she would actually get to play, the music was always the wrong tempo, always the wrong timing but she would never miss a note no matter how fast her fingers were going. At 8, Therese reluctantly stopped playing; there wasn’t any sheet music for her to read nor was there a piano for her to use, only the old out of tune piano at her boarding school that she was too shy to touch. Much of her time was spent in silence back then, the classrooms, the hallways, the mess hall, everything was so quiet. Their dorms were the only place where the girls would banter and chat inhibited; Therese would smile the most at that time. She had learnt to love the silence, at 8 she moved from her sheet music to novels, reading everywhere, almost all the time. When the same old quiet silenced her dorm too, she would think about taking a candle and reading under the covers. Tucked underneath those covers, with her eyes closed, she would make stories in her head, beautiful scenic epics that were for her and her only, the silence allowed that, in fact, it encouraged that loud creativity.

 

Yet her heart yearned to play. When Therese had gone to church with her boarding school for the first time, she had looked around the church with wide eyes, taking in its dark interior, as she turned one way, the big organ stared right back at her and beckoned her to come and play. She sneaked away from her schoolmates and ran towards the organ but quickly bumped into a woman. The woman pushed her off and angrily told her to go back to her friends. She watched the woman sit down at the organ; Therese begrudgingly walked back but kept her eyes on her. She played the organ harshly, hunched over its keys wickedly; her yellow fingernails matched the yellowed old keys. The woman had dark hair and darker eyes and the wrinkles around her mouth and her protruding chin made it look like she was always frowning. Therese saw parts of her mother in her; she would never go near that organ again.

 

Music lost its appeal. She would happily live in the comfortable quiet now.

 

But the years changed and she grew up to be a fine young woman but the comfortable quiet had turned into a restless deafness. Her fascination with pictures and photographs had turned into a hobby, allowing her creative mind to flourish on glossy paper. In a sea of opportunity, she found herself temp jobs here and there, to keep her busy till she got a proper job just anywhere. People would call her lucky for she found herself with men that would be considered strapping and capable, and yet she was always worried. At nineteen, she was anxious and her anxieties now bred in the silence. She asked herself too often for it to be coincidence, are you happy? She knew she wasn’t, as much as she tried to dispute it she knew she wasn't but what set her on edge was she never knew why she wasn't happy, she never understood how that creative chatter the silence prompted now just sounded like eerie muttering. To her it almost felt like sitting in a room with no light and just the sound she of incoherent murmurs around her. She can't make out what it says, what it means. Sometimes she felt she could hear music behind those murmurs.

 

Therese stepped out onto the sidewalk, exhausted. The breeze was warm and dry, just aggravating the sticky feeling at the back of her neck. June was never this warm. She folded her handkerchief over her open palm and wiped the sweat off the nape of her neck. She hailed a cab with her other hand, her handbag threatening to slip off her shoulder and harshly collide with her inner elbow.

 

“Good evening,” Therese said as she slid into the back seat.

 

“Ma’am.” The driver nodded.

 

“Where to?”

 

“Downtown Manhattan.” Without thinking, Therese had answered and the car swiftly started to pull away from the curb and into traffic.

 

Therese searched her handbag for her apartment key, hoping she hadn’t forgotten it. She found the key and inspected it for a second, wondering why it looked different till it hit her.

 

“Actually it’s Madison Avenue.” Therese lurched forward in her seat, jostling the driver.

 

“No problem ma’am.” The driver huffed.

 

Therese slumped back into her seat. She looked at the key and pressed the slightly cold metal into her palm. All the warmth of the fact that she was going home to Carol hit her all at once. It wasn’t the empty apartment that she would have to ready up for Richard to inevitably invite himself over to. Today wasn’t any special day that Carol and her had decided on hours or days beforehand. This was now her normal. She would finish her days, at the Times, get a taxi and go back home. Her home had Carol, who would be sitting on the sofa smoking and hopefully waiting for her. Therese thought about yesterday, when they had moved all of her stuff, how Carol had unpacked her old sheet music, wiped its dust off and set it on the baby grand without asking. Therese had played that night, just as she did when she first went to Carol’s house and Carol stood and listened reverently, with her hands on Therese’s shoulders. Only this time she didn’t hesitate to bend down and pepper her neck with kisses.

 

Therese watched shops roll by. The car stopped at a light and slowly soft music floated into the car from her right. It was coming from the record shop just beside her; they had a sign on the window advertising new music that had just come in. Therese thought of Carol again, about the record she bought for her months ago, the same record they had both played over and over, on their way to the west and again in the days after they had reunited. Carol had said multiple times, on slow nights where music flowed through their veins and made Carol sing, that she wished she had the voice to croon torch songs all day, giving Therese a nice mental image to turn over in her head and swoon at. Therese wondered what she was listening to right now.

 

“I’ll get off here,” Therese stated, pulling out some cash from her purse.

 

The sign said they had Billie’s first record in, Therese knew exactly what she was going to get. After a bit of cajoling, Therese had managed to get one of the “last” pieces they had on sale. She started to walk home then and all of a sudden the sickly heat didn’t matter anymore, it wouldn’t have mattered if it rained or stormed, Therese was giddy with the excitement of going home to Carol. Maybe they would dance to the record tonight or maybe they would sit on the balcony and leave the door open to let the music flow from the living room and into the open air, and she would kiss her on the balcony holding her close in her arms. Therese hoped the stars were out, she was so distracted by her thoughts she didn’t notice as she walked into her apartment building.  

 

Therese confidently turned the key and pushed the door open in one smooth motion. Carol appeared in the hallway, her face looked eager and Therese didn’t waste a single minute and ran towards Carol. Therese threw her arms out and Carol let out an _“Ohff”_ just as she caught Therese. Carol snaked her arms around Therese’s waist and buried her nose into Therese’s hair making Therese sigh in delight. Therese pulled back just enough to see Carol’s face.

 

“Honey, I’m home.” Therese grinned, just saying it out loud made her bubbly and lightheaded.

 

Carol threw her head back and laughed before pulling Therese against her again.

 

They started what would soon become routine, scrambling up a meal together, laughing and kissing in the kitchen and then settling down for a long-winded dinner, where the food would grow cold as they ignored it for each other. After dinner, Carol settled down on the couch with a wine glass in hand; she had insisted on celebrating with a bottle of red even though they both had work tomorrow. Therese came to her, her own glass in one hand and a flat square with green wrapping paper around it in the other.

 

“What’s this?” Carol asked, taking the gift from Therese’s hands.

 

“A house-warming present.” Therese smiled demurely, charming Carol with her dimples.

 

Carol carefully unwrapped the present. It was a record obviously. There was a woman on the front who had her head in her hands, drawn in dashes of blue and dark brown. On its side, it read _‘BILLIE HOLIDAY’_ in chunky lettering. Carol recognised it instantly and her face lit up in delight.

 

“Darling! This is absolutely wonderful! What a thoughtful present!” Carol set the record on the side table and kissed Therese.

 

Carol got up and practically bounced to the recorder then, Therese sat back and watched her childlike enthusiasm as she carefully took out the record, admiring it for a minute before putting it on. Alas, they didn’t dance to the song in their living room or listen to it while lounging on the balcony. Just as they both got to the bottom of their wine glass, Carol pushed Therese into the couch, kissing her passionately and pressing her thigh against her centre. Their hips moved against each other and they were lost in their desire for the next hours.

 

Therese lay awake, deliciously exhausted and still slightly wet. Her senses were filled with Carol; her smell, her taste, and her body loosely wrapped around her own and sleeping soundly. It was silent again and Therese found herself humming a tune she had heard as a child. She wondered if Carol could hear her and maybe that’s why she was smiling in her sleep, Therese pulled herself closer to Carol and nuzzled her neck, breathing in the remnants of her perfume.

 

_You brought the music back in my life. I’ve loved you like I’ve loved every symphony that I hum or any song that I keep playing in my head._

 

“I love you,” Therese whispered against Carol’s chest.

 

* * *

 

_1955_

_I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm_

 

Winters were always harsh on her, her skin would dry and her eyes would water a lot against the harsh chilling winds. The old apartment was never warm enough and Therese would wonder if when summer came she would remember what having feeling in her toes actually felt like.

 

“Therese!”

 

But at Madison Avenue, there was always enough warmth. She didn’t need to sleep with multiple blankets. She needed but one and a warm, soft Carol that she would wrap herself around and fall asleep on. Therese walked to Rindy and Carol, who were lying on their stomachs on the rug and colouring and sat down beside the little girl.

 

“What is it, sweetie?” Therese said.

 

“Come play the Peter Pan game with me!!” Rindy crawled towards the couch to pull down a bright red box.

 

 _‘Peter Pan: A Game Of Adventure’_ it said on the box. Therese had got it for Rindy’s birthday that year and there was yet to be a visit where they had not played with it together. The box opened to a board with a cartoon world charted on it, lines depicting ways their pegs could travel and little boxes giving a story to all of it. They hadn’t taken the time to actually learn how to play the board game, Rindy enjoyed walking the pegs around the board and narrating her own story with it and when she found that Therese would only encourage her and play along with her, she wanted to do nothing more than to spend her days away making up stories with Therese in Neverland.

 

They had grown close and Therese thanked her lucky stars every day that Rindy had actually liked her. Before she would worry herself sick over it, worry that Carol would realise Rindy was too much for her to handle and leave, that Rindy would learn of their relationship and hate her and in its wake, hate her mother too, worry that she was no one to Rindy and never would be. But as the months rolled by, they bonded. She realised that she grew upset when Rindy had been away for too long but not as an extension to Carol’s sadness, that seeing her upset made her feel miserable too, it was now her own heart that missed Rindy. Soon, she had come to realise that Rindy enjoyed her company immensely and had started to look to her as a guardian of sorts. All of this happened to Carol’s countless joy, she delighted in seeing Rindy run to hug Therese when she came home and she would watch the both of them from distance with such amazement and love, just as she did now.

 

They hunkered down to play; Therese sat a bit hunched over to stay close to Rindy. As they started to make up a story, Therese leaning towards Rindy to listen intently, she noticed the irritation against her collar. She adjusted her turtleneck and gave Carol a glare. Carol hid her smile behind a cup of tea and shrugged her shoulders.

 

 _“You know I love winter,”_ Therese started thinking about Carol’s hot breath against her neck.

 

 _“Because I can mark you anywhere and no one will see.”_ Carol bit into Therese’s throat before putting her tongue to the bite.

 

Therese had gasped louder, pushed against a wall in their hallway and Carol had reached down past soaked cotton panties with her lips still to Therese’s neck, kissing, licking, biting. Now the wool of her turtleneck scraped against the purple and red marks, reminding her of how they came to be, making her blush even more.

 

“Are you cold Therese?” Rindy asked. She must’ve grown impatient waiting for Therese to pay full attention.

 

“No I’m fin-“ Therese adjusted her collar again.

“I’ll keep you warm!” Rindy yelled, before wrapping her arms around Therese.

 

Therese definitely felt a rush of warmth to her face, now certain that her entire face was red. As the surprise of it wore off, she tugged Rindy closer and shared a look with Carol over Rindy’s shoulder.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_1956_

_What A Little Moonlight Can Do_

 

“Hello?” Therese tugged at the taut phone cord, stretched from the hallway to a little supply cupboard so Therese could have some privacy and quiet.

 

“Therese! How is it going?” Abby’s cheerful voice came through the receiver.

 

“Is Carol in?”

 

“Yeah. Let me go get her for you.”

 

“Thanks,” Therese replied to no one, she could already hear shuffling and Abby’s distant voice calling out for Carol.

 

“Therese? Is everything alright sweetheart?” Therese smiled at the concern in Carol’s voice.

 

“All good. I was just wondering when do you get off work?” Therese twisted on her feet, she was of half a mind to control her grin but she knew that wouldn’t be possible.

 

“Uhh- around 5:30. Why?”

 

“I’m coming to pick you up.” Therese heard Carol chuckle.

 

“Okay. Do you want to tell me what this is about?” Therese grinned wider.

 

“Nope. I have to get back to work now. See you in the evening.”

 

“Alright Darling, see you.”

 

Therese then made a puckering noise into the phone, to insinuate a kiss and heard Carol laugh fully before putting the phone down.

 

Therese had the car for today, Carol had been running late so she offered to drive so that Carol could do her makeup in the car. It had been a solid plan, the only downside being that Therese couldn’t kiss some of the carmine lipstick off of Carol’s lips and watched it go to waste against a white napkin. Therese left her work early and was on her way to treat Carol as best she could which meant beer and clam sandwiches at the little restaurant near Jersey. It was quite a commute but Therese didn’t mind and she was sure Carol wouldn’t either. She pulled up to the front of the store, surprised to see Carol stepping out just then. Therese reached over and rolled down the window on the passenger seat, looking up at Carol from under the car roof.

 

“Is there anywhere I can take you, madam?” When Therese spoke there was the drawl that Carol was completely disarmed by, the New York drawl that Therese only spoke in around Dannie.

 

“I don’t get into cars with strangers,” Carol spoke ever so playfully, with certain coyness in her voice that was so uncharacteristic that Therese had to gather her thoughts to reply.

 

“Well let’s acquaint ourselves shall we?” Therese threw open the door, Carol laughed as she slid into the passenger seat.

 

“Hello, Darling.” Carol’s voice was dripping honey. It was a greeting that felt no less than a kiss, Therese felt her cheeks warm and she turned her attention to the road.

 

They ate at the counter and chatted about their day. Therese rested her head against her hand, propped up by the elbow and took a long swig of her beer. She was listening to Carol talk about some customer that wanted a certain 18th-century table that didn’t exist beyond his imagination. Therese could feel Carol’s foot wedged between her own leg and the bar shifting and knocking against her shin, it was an unthinking move Carol had done, just to make sure they touched. Therese smiled at the thought of how different their first meetings used to be, in similar restaurants, where Carol would space out time and again, where they would talk about unimportant things like Harge or Richard and when Carol would never smile so much. She would smile and it was just as uninhibited as it was now but Therese thought that had little to do with the situation and more to do with the company Carol had and stopped a wide grin from overtaking her face. But back then she would smile rarely and not as freely. Back then Carol’s worry had been so evident but now those days were hard to imagine. Therese took another bite out of her sandwich and dusted the crumbs off her hands, she reached into her purse, looking around for a moment or two and slammed two sheets of paper against the bar. Carol looked at her questioningly, wiping own hands before moving to look at the paper.

 

Two tickets lay on the counter; Carol’s eyes widened in shock and Therese dug her nails into her palms in the excitement.

 

“You didn’t!” Carol hollered.

 

“Yes, I did.” Therese was ecstatic, the clear awe on Carol’s face made her want to jump out into the street, made her feel like it should be raining and she should go jump in puddles till the water jumps back high enough to hit her eyes.

 

Then Carol got up, collected both her and Therese’s purses in one hand and took her hand in the other, not caring who stared or who snarled at them, and walked them both to the car. The car ride home felt shorter than it ever had and soon enough Therese was pinned against the back of their apartment door, Carol’s mouth doing incredibly wonderful things to her neck, to her collarbone, to the tops of her breasts. Therese gasped, her fingers tangling in Carol’s hair to keep her where she was, she tugged lightly just to encourage Carol, scraped her nails against her scalp to say _yes-more-please_. Then the wet contact of lips and tongue was gone and she was being led straight to the bedroom.

 

Days went by as quickly as they could. Carol’s mounting excitement had led her into many stores, searching for the perfect dress for both herself and Therese. She had cleared her schedule weeks before the show; the 10th of November was going to be their day alone. Therese titled her head to the side to fasten her earring, she watched herself in the mirror, in a tight black dress and with more makeup than she would usually do, her black pumps sat orderly near the bed. She smoothed her dress down once and gave herself a once over; Carol had come into the room then and she watched her approach in the mirror. Red was a powerful colour and on Carol, it looked like the fire it represented, it looked like desire, it looked like lust and the sway in Carol’s hips and the look in her eyes told Therese that Carol knew all of that. Carol stood behind Therese, she ran her fingers along the pearls along her neck and then rested her hands on her shoulders and squeezed.

 

“You look absolutely divine.” Carol’s breath was hot against her ear. Therese turned and placed a light, like a feather against water, kiss to Carol’s chin so as to not smudge her own lipstick.

 

“I think you are magnificent. Thank you.” Therese pressed another small peck to Carol’s cheek.

 

Despite Therese’s caution, they both ended up leaving the apartment in need of a retouch.

 

Carnegie Hall was a sight anytime of the year but today was special. The crowds were packed and alive with an anticipating energy. Therese set her heeled foot against the pavement and heard it resonate, she looked at the poster of Billie Holiday, Lady Day herself, in front of the hall and felt overwhelmed. She looked over to Carol and found the same expression of disbelief mirrored on her face. They shared an excited smile and began to walk in tow inside the hall.

 

From the balcony, they could see everything that went on the stage, the back row gave took away some of the view but gave them some privacy. Carol looked pleased in watching everything move around beneath them, these were good seats, Therese decided. Soon their own lights dimmed and they were cloaked in darkness. The spotlight hit the stage and out came Billie, in a white dress with her signature white gardenias in her hair, smiling and looking positively radiant. While they were both beyond their years of being star struck but this was different, Therese felt something more personal, more sentimental in them being there together than just being a regular person coming here to enjoy this beautiful woman’s music. Therese snuck a glance to Carol and she swore she saw Rindy looking at the eels in the aquarium, such wondrous excitement that made those grey eyes glow. The saxophone started to play, Billie’s voice billowed about a Lady who sang the blues and Therese felt herself being transported beyond, a place where just they existed and the music, an existence parallel to their own but more mystifying and grand.

 

And then there were moments in between the music, where Carol’s hand would wander and circle the spot on her thigh that was still purple from a few nights ago, were Therese would knock against her shin in an effort to scold her and at the same time lace their fingers together in her lap. There were passages that were read out from Billie’s autobiography and Carol had reached over to grab her handkerchief to wipe away her tears. Therese had thought before coming here that maybe she should bring her press pass and take this story to her boss but the raw emotion and profound experience the night had been, Therese feared she would never be able to capture it in words or on film. She raised Carol’s hand to her lips and kissed it, as discretely as possible that warranted it looking odd, the sombre notes of _I Cover The Waterfront_ transitioned into the jubilant _What A Little Moonlight Can do_.

 

They had sung along to the song in their car together all the way to their dinner and then hummed it in each other’s ears as their lay in bed tangled together, too tired to make love but too content to do anything about it. They slept soundly as moonbeams nestled in sweetly with them in milky white sheets.

 

* * *

 

 

_1957_

_Gee Baby, Ain’t I Good To You_

 

Walls were lined with colourful covers, there was the sound of shoes clicking on the checkered titles and the sound of needles scratching against vinyl, distant music from records Therese didn’t recognise gave an ambient background to excited conversations and the laughter of strangers around her. Her fingers flicked through the row in front of her; sometimes she would pick a record up and set it to the side to carry to the counter or the booth so she could listen to it in some quiet. She and Carol had decided their record collection needed something fresh and had come down to the nearby record store almost on a whim. A certain sleeve caught her eye as she began to make her way towards the phonographs, Therese stumbled to balance the record in her hands and get this particular one off the shelf. She stood there for a minute, admiring the cover.

 

“Found something you like?” Carol nudged her with her shoulder, having noticed the big dopey grin on Therese’s face.

 

“I was going to give some of these a go but then I found this.” Therese waved the cover in front of Carol.

 

“That’s an old one. I’m surprised you know it.” Carol took it from Therese’s hands and Therese moved along the rack to find something else.

 

“I had my first kiss to that song.” Therese didn’t look at Carol, failing to suppress the mischievous smile on her face.

 

“Must’ve been a good first kiss then, with you smiling like that.” Therese laughed.

 

“Oh no, It was awful. I was smiling at the fact that I remember hearing that song at the time and wondering why does this bore me so terribly? I don’t even remember his face it was that dull.” Carol laughed with her then, she stood next to her and started to look at the same row as her, just as an excuse to lean into her.

 

“How was your first kiss?” Therese asked.

 

“It was alright I suppose. I wasn’t very good at it, funnily enough, I never saw that boy again.” Carol scrunched her face as if she just understood why she had never seen him again and Therese burst into giggles.

 

“His loss really, I can’t imagine kissing you just once,” Therese said.

 

“Neither can I imagine kissing you to be dull.” Carol winked at her.

 

“Well, I have been told that I have a passionate mouth.” Therese then walked away from Carol.

 

They knew this game well by know, innocent flirting in public where neither could act on their words was the easiest way to rile each of them up. One would tease and pull away before the other had time to even process what was said, leaving them wanting. Therese could feel Carol’s eyes burning a hole into her back and the excitement low in her stomach grow. The day went on like this, both of them pushing the boundaries of what would be considered “friendly behaviour” till they finally realised their almost desperate need for privacy.

 

Carol opened her mouth to her then and Therese let her tongue taste her fully. She squeezed Carol’s waist closer, pushing her thigh harder against Carol’s wet centre.

 

What strange creatures humans are? She thought, that pangs of desire could come from anywhere, at any time. How uncontrollable was this desire, that made her want to take Carol to an alley and claim her mouth completely and to feel all of her without a moment's delay? Yet it was considered wrong between some people, an abnormality, which made Carol say no when she tried to take her hand in public, let alone lead her to an alleyway. But this was home, where they could kiss unreservedly, a home they had built together.

 

The record Carol had bought for her today was crooning in the living room and Therese hummed its tune against Carol’s skin as she made her way down from her neck to her chest. She left small kisses in the valley between Carol’s breasts before licking and biting at her sensitive undersides. Carol hissed and gasped loudly as Therese soothed the bites she left. She then moved her mouth downwards towards her belly as her hands took her place on Carol’s breasts and played with her nipples. She ran her tongue along the lines on Carol’s belly, faint silver lines that were signs of love, Therese loved them so much that she would nuzzle them with her nose when their nights were quiet and their love was slow. Her thumb and index finger continued to pinch and pull on Carol’s nipples till she was moaning for her.

 

“Therese, _please_ ” They were stiff and slightly red, aching for Therese’s mouth.

 

Warm lips enveloped her nipples then and Carol arched off the bed, Therese swirled her tongue around them before pursing her lips and pulling on them. After slowly adoring her breasts, Therese moved between Carol’s legs. The sight of her glistening clit shook Therese to her core. She kissed it lightly first before she ran her tongue flat against it. She circled her tongue around it a couple of times before moving again and tasting Carol’s folds.

_“Oh god. Therese-”_

 

Carol’s hips jerked against her mouth, working for more contact but Therese wanted to do all the work, she wanted to please Carol completely and only her to do it so she pinned her hips down and ran her hands along her thighs, pulling them onto her shoulders and felt Carol cross her ankles on her back. Therese then doubled her efforts, feeling the slick smear against her chin. Therese kept going till her jaw ached and her tongue felt numb, till Carol shuddered and quaked. She jerked her head to one side, twisting her body with it and locking her thighs around Therese’s head.

 

When Carol finally stilled, Therese sat up, breathless and panting, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She kissed Carol’s neck, waiting for her to fully catch her breath, the record had long since gone quiet and Therese contemplated getting up and turning it on again.

 

 _“I'm all for you body and soul,”_ Therese sang along to the words of Lady Day as she made her way back to bed, which they wouldn’t be leaving until hours from now.

 

“Talk about a passionate mouth.” Carol kissed her again.

 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart”

 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Carol.”

 

* * *

 

 

_1958_

_God Bless The Child_

 

The radio crooned and the words it played were slightly jarring, it made her think of the letter she had hidden under a pile of reject photos, behind the bottles of fixer and trays. Therese hadn’t read it completely, only halfway before having to suppress the urge to ball it up and throw it away, why she had kept it intact and hidden she didn’t know and it bothered her, made her think about it more and more.

 

_“All adults have secrets.”_

 

She remembered Carol saying that but this secret gnawed at her, made her think more before she spoke as if she would spill her guts the minute she opened her mouth. It made her feel juvenile more than anything, like in the days when she was a young girl and she had felt hurt for reasons that weren’t clear to her own self so she kept it to herself and dwelled in her confusion, in her frustration.

 

_“God bless the child that’s got his own,”_

 

Those words ran circles in her head. And wasn’t it true? For her mother hadn’t cared to say thank you, hadn’t cared to ask how she was but instead wondered why it took her so long to send back a reply. There was no making her happy, there was no making her proud, Therese didn’t know why she still tried or what she hoped to achieve. She drank down bitter coffee and watched the clouds roll by their window.

 

“Are you okay? Seems like you are miles away sweetheart.” Carol had just come out of the bedroom, tying her robe around herself and trying to tame her sleep frazzled hair.

 

“Just thinking.” Therese sighed.

 

“What are you thinking?” Carol asked softly.

 

Therese didn’t want to tell. She worried it might anger Carol, make her wary of her, make her not trust her.

 

“It's not- it’s nothing” Therese shook her head.

 

“You know you can tell me anything.” Carol’s words were tender; it made her feel guiltier for having kept this from her.

 

“Whenever you are ready.” Carol kissed Therese’s forehead and went to help herself to some breakfast.

 

Breakfast had past and so had half of noon. With the weekend, they had nothing to do but laze around. Therese had already finished all of her work in an early effort to stay distracted and not think about her situation. She watched Carol tend to the plants on their balcony, in her summer dress in yellow that went so well with her hair, green gardening gloves that she adored so much and with a striking red kerchief holding back her hair. Therese sat on the lounger in the balcony and watched before speaking.

 

“My mother sent me a letter last week, she was asking for some money.” Therese began to fidget with her nails.

 

She saw Carol’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise but her expression disappeared immediately, in that moment it was hard to read what she was thinking.

 

“Is that right? What did you do?” Carol continued to replace a snake plant but Therese knew she was paying attention.

 

“I sent her the money; to pay her back from my tuition. And I didn’t tell you.”

 

“Okay. Did she receive it alright?” Carol’s calm was unnerving.

She waited for Carol to react, to say something but nothing came, Carol was waiting for her to finish and she didn’t know if she could. Therese steadied her breath.

 

“She did. She wrote back saying that I should’ve sent it sooner, that it was a novelty that I had so much money to give away now, what with my apartment on Madison and my job. She saw my picture in the paper and that’s how she got our address.” Therese crushed her fingers against the hard cushion of the recliner and focused her eyes on it.

 

“She didn’t even say she was proud of me or anything. I wonder what I did wrong” Therese’s voice cracked, opening to a sob.

 

“Nonsense.” Carol almost yelled and Therese flinched as if she had raised her hand against her. Her eyes shut and her fists balled, she started weeping.

 

She heard Carol drop her tools and come sit next to her. She felt Carol’s touch, soft against her cheek, pulling her towards herself. Carol’s arms wrapped around Therese, lightly at first to make sure Therese could pull away if she wanted but Therese pressed her face into Carol’s her chest and let her sobs go.

 

“Shh. It’s okay.” Carol rubbed circles into Therese’s back

 

“It’s okay angel. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you every day. Shh.. don’t cry now.” Carol pulled Therese closer, whispering this into her hair over and over.

 

“You are not angry that I didn’t tell you?” Therese managed to muffle out.

 

“No. I wish you would’ve told me but I’m not angry. I couldn’t be.” Carol raised her head and wiped her tears and snot with her hands.

 

Carol pressed her lips to Therese’s then and just as easily as they kissed, the worries fell off of Therese’s shoulders.

* * *

_1959_

_The End Of A Love Affair_

 

Carol loved her music. The mornings would start with the noise of the radio and the smell of breakfast in the air when Therese would pull the sheets over her head in an effort to block out Carol’s cacophony and get a few more minutes of precious sleep. Then there were the stories of her and Abby going to the club and swing dancing in their prime, nobody had cared that it was two girls dancing together,

 

“At least not in the clubs we used to go to” Carol would say and laugh.

 

She remembered the fond expression Carol’s face and the pure joy one night when Abby had been there too to reminisce with her. There was regret in her words, Therese could hear it, from having to drop the activity altogether and she sorely missed it. So Therese would never say no to Carol, not that she wanted to, whenever she wanted to dance around the apartment just before dinner. The record would be dropped without a word and Carol would come up behind her, resting her chin on her shoulder and asking whether is was too busy to sway a little. They would get lost in their dancing and end up having dinner at a downright unacceptable time but Therese owed a lot of smiles and memories to those nights, so she never complained.

 

Therese could often tell when Carol was in the apartment from just walking out of the elevator when the music would be so loud that Therese would wonder why they didn’t have any noise complaints. But if the apartment had Carol in it, there would be music playing no question about it. And it was a regular morning, by all means, the radio was crooning and Carol was tapping her foot along with it. Therese sat at the breakfast table, in just her pyjama top and underwear and Carol set her breakfast in front of her, kissing her head and reaching across the table to grab the newspaper. She took a careful sip of her coffee and unfolded the paper but her coffee hit the table again with considerable force and Therese looked up from her breakfast to Carol. She looked suddenly cold, her face didn’t give much away but she looked undeniably solemn. Carol placed the newspaper down and pointed at an article.

 

 

_Billie Holiday Dies; Famed Blues Singer_

 

 

Therese turned towards the bundle of newspapers and struggled to find the Times; it had the story in big, bold lettering on the front page next to a photo of Billie smiling. Therese wondered for a brief moment why she wasn’t called when this story was breaking but decided that that would be a conversation for another place at another time. Carol had picked up the newspaper again and opted to go read it on the lounger on the balcony.

 

Now her relationship with Billie’s music was different. Both of them had some sentimentality attached to every song she had sung and they had a certain blue-sleeved record that they played on every special occasion. On their piano was sheet music for _Easy Living_ that Rindy had taken a liking to and tried to play it every time she was over for a visit. But Carol liked her Billie like she liked her rye, it made her solemn, it made her think, it made her sit in the same position till she got to the end of at least two cigarettes. Billie made her sing – off key usually, it made her hum when she made breakfast, it made her romantic and sentimental. Therese knew it best, for she always loved those times when Carol would try to nonchalantly ask her what she thought of the song she had put on. She knew it was a ploy for her to listen to it again and hear the words, take them to heart. Therese wondered how much of Carol did Billie’s music make, a small part of her only, in the grand scheme of things but at the same time significant enough to make her unrecognisable without it Therese imagined. Therese joined her on the balcony then, bring their breakfast out but Carol did not eat.

 

The day moved on and Carol had read every article in every newspaper about it, the apartment was silent. Therese went to their records cabinet without a single word; she set the needle down and waited for the song to begin before moving away. She then walked to Carol, extending her hand out for Carol to take. With a little insistence and sweet talk, Therese got Carol to her feet and grabbed her hips. They started to sway and Carol buried her head in the crook of Therese’s neck, wrapping her arms around her from under her shoulders.

 

“Did you know she was arrested as she laid dying on that bed?” Carol muttered against Therese’s skin.

 

“I know.” Therese closed her eyes and held Carol closer.

 

“What a horrible way to go. For such a glorious woman too.” Carol said, pulling back. Therese cupped her cheek, willing her to look at her.

 

“The day is early yet. You want to go look at some settees with me?” Therese said and Carol smiled.

 

“I know how furniture calms you.” Carol kissed her then.

 

“We’ll go in a little bit but right now more this.” Therese obliged, wrapping her arms around Carol’s neck and pulling her into a kiss.

 

They ended up getting a new settee and found themselves rearranging their living room. Throughout their day of bumping into each other, struggling to move heavy furniture, deciding at the last minute that that table definitely looked better in the first spot, Billie’s music crooned from their record player. Lips were caught in another flurry of kisses and Therese felt Carol’s smile against her lips. Billie was, in fact, right. It was easy to live when you are in love.


End file.
